Angela Gavin said she was nervous about coming home from college for Thanksgiving. But when she did come home for the holidays from the University of San Francisco, she helped bake and cook for her family and relatives.

As her loved ones feasted, Gavin, now 27, said she kept herself busy serving the family.

So they wouldn't notice that she wasn't eating at all.

Gavin said she suffered from anorexia nervosa, an eating disorder in which individuals deprive themselves of food in order to control their weight.

Thanksgiving became another day to cover up her dark secret from family and friends.

"Holidays can be very emotionally stressful for people with eating disorders," said Jennifer Pollak, a counselor at UC Davis' Counseling and Psychological Services. "You want to see everyone and go everywhere that there is no time to relax and think about one's health and their eating habits."

Gavin said she couldn't pinpoint the exact moment her eating disorder began. She said she suffered through anorexia nervosa for four years and bulimia for a year and a half.

"I think it began when I gained weight during freshman year and I was determined to lose it," she said. "It just started with a simple diet because I just wanted to lose a few pounds."

The desire to become thin is still a social stigma within society, said Lisa Sanders, program coordinator of the Women's Resources and Research Center at UCD.

"There is an ideal of beauty that is presented in the media that equates perfection and thinness with success and happiness," Sanders said. "This is a dangerous formula in the minds of women and men."

Eating disorders most often start with distorted eating, Pollak said. Distorted eating is behaviors with unhealthy consequences such as fad diets, emotional bingeing or overexercising.

"Many eating disorders start with a diet mentality of weight loss and restricting food," she said.

College is also full of enough stress that could lead to eating disorders, Sanders said.

"It promotes a higher level of competition, independence and perfection that can certainly trigger students to look for ways to gain back a sense of control," she said.

Gavin agrees.

"I was away from home for the first time and there were things in my life that I felt I had no control over," she said.

"The only thing that I could really control was what I did and did not eat."

But college can also be a place where individuals dealing with eating disorders can start to recover, Sanders said.

"Body image remains the most popular topic that students want to learn about," she said.

"Our center works on offering advocacy, resources and referrals to students who need support with navigating recovery or helping others."

But Thanksgiving is especially difficult for people with eating disorders because of its focus on food, Pollak said.

"The way that we view food in our society is overwhelming," she said. "Our culture gives us messages about what kinds of food are good and bad for us."

Gavin said her strategy was to immerse herself in the food. By preparing the meal, Gavin knew exactly what was in the food and which entrees she should avoid while eating with her family.

"I felt like I had more control over the food," she said. "I disliked seeing someone bring a surprise dish to the meal because I didn't know what was in it."

Coming home for the holidays required much thought and preparation, Gavin said. She worked out extensively for a week before she came home so she could eat regular meals before Thanksgiving.

Having relatives present over the holidays forced Gavin and her immediate family to put on a fa ade.

"Over the holidays, my family kept acting like everything was okay," she said. "I went along with it and honestly started to believe that I was fine for awhile."

Gavin said she couldn't even spend time with friends because she feared that they would find out about her disorder.

"I would avoid get-togethers for the fear that people would try to get me to eat or that our time would involve food," she said. "I was so engulfed in my own weight, food, exercise and size issues that I didn't have the time to spend with other people."
Section: Local

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